Im posting this because i want to be able to refer back to this when I need strength and reminding of where my heart needs to be...

It's been a month full of ups and downs, but that's life, sometimes it's awesome but sometimes it's hard, if it weren't for the bad though, we wouldn't appreciate the good and when get through the touch stuff with our heads held high we can look back and see our strength and k ow that the next difficult thing that comes our way we can bear it alittle easier.. But not alone, I can never get through life's lows without the lord guiding me without completely leaning on him and trusting his direction.. I won't say exactly what's been ailing me these past couple months but I will say its emotional pain from getting hurt and giving too much and being vulnerable and it's just life wearing on me, But... I have a big God, a wonderful, beautiful son that I love soo very much, wonderful family and friends and that I am so blessed for and with all those things I can get through anything ! God is good, life is good, never stop believing, hoping and dreaming!

Wow! Life sure has been crazy lately..I have been in such a blogging slump over the past couple months, I have quite a bit going on in my life, not all positive, and every time i would sit down to blog i just couldnt get the words out, too much floating around in my head, guess i needed to narrow down what i was really feeling, in order to write about it, thats what this blog is to me, an outlet, so i'm sorry if you have written a comment or followed and I havent followed back, but I will, I promise, and all the sweet comments are so nice to hear!! I need them!! I dont have much time to write tonight so I will just post this quote that explains my heart right now..

Noah is now 4 months old and he's such a little sweetheart, some people would call me crazy but I think I can already tell his personality, I can already sense what kind of person he's going to be, loving, calm, sweet and a little mischievous. I can just tell that he's going to have s kind heart! Here's some updated pictures of my sweet little man :)
Be prepared he's absolutely adorable!

Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. That surrender, even the smallest act of giving up, stays with me. So when I feel like quitting, I ask myself, which would I rather live with
Lance Armstrong

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my
first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately
wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed the
birds in winter, and I learned that it was good to be kind
to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my
favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little
things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a
prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always
talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a
meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I
learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care
of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have
to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you
handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't
feel good, and I learned that I would have to be
responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hold
the door open for others and heard 'thank you' and
'you're welcome', and I learned respect for others.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come
from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things
hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you
cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be..

When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of
life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and
productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and
wanted to say,’ Thanks for all the things I saw when
you thought I wasn't looking.'


I just Had to share this sweet little poem, made me tear up :)

Sometimes I dont know what I want or who I am, I get lost in the shuffle of changing diapers, cleaning house and trying to make every one else happy. I forget to stop and look at what i want or rather what I need! Days go by so fast sometimes and my life becomes blurry, kind of haze of days strung into a week. I get lonely and tired and my thoughts wear me out. It would be nice to just turn my mind off for awhile, stop feeling and thinking so much, but this is who God made me to be, deep intellectual, sensitive and loving. Those traits can't be turned off or dulled, they're too strong. I care a lot, I give too much, but at the end of the day I'd rather be me than anyone else...who that is I'm still trying to figure out but aren't we all learning, growing and changing? We never stop til the day we die, unless we give up, but that's not how I'm wired...I don't give up when things get scary, boring and difficult, i just gotta keep moving, keep loving and keep living and my life and the things I want will eventually fall into place.

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

I like people who are real, people who aren't afraid to be honest and raw, it's people like that I connect well with and can hold deep intellectual conversations with. People who are open minded, intersting, creative, positive and upbeat!

So I'm having one of those days that everyone has where I have no motivation, and thats rare for me because I'm a DOER, if thats a word. I am a multi-tasker, an organizer, (I tend to be a bit over the top when it comes to organization but its not necessarily a bad thing). So on these days where I feel overwhelmed with everything I need to get done, such as, laundry, dishes, clean the house, run errands, all while taking care of Noah, I get a tad bit stressed out and end up not doing any of it because I don't know what to tackle first, now this is only on the days where I'm lacking motivation, just tired and a bit lazy, it frusterates me becasue I'm such an active person. But what matters most is Noah, the dishes and laundry can wait. I need to learn to give myself a break. I know this is a silly thing to blog about but this is my life.... I get up, I care for my son, I clean house, I visit family and friends some days and occasionally go out with Matt (noah's Dad), I run errands, I chill out at night, watch a couple movies, play and read to Noah and fall asleep alone in my big queen bed, that is my daily grind. I worry like every other woman, about my future, about Noah, about whether or not I'm beig a good mom, about finances...But thats pat of life and what makes my life so awesome are the little things, the simple things! Mainly watching Noah grow and change, he has truly given my life meaning, given me purpose and drive. That's all I have for today! Happy blogging :)

A mother's love for her child is a profound thing, I never knew this kind of Love before, he is my heart and soul, he is my world! I cannot believe he is already 3 months old! He is already grabbing for objects, kicking so much he's able to move himself a few inches and he's completely sleeping through the night in his bassinet, I thought that would never happen, and from what I hear of most 3 month old that's pretty rare so I'm one lucky mommy! Life is good!
Below are pics of noah, his dad and I, our matching tattoos we got when he was only a couple weeks old, daddy on diaper duty and a few randoms of noah. I wish my pictures were better quality but unfortuatly i capture alot with my cell phone (blackberry) which does not take very good pictures, I
eventually would like to get a better phone and computer to make uploading and editing easier. One day.....

I just want to say Thank you for all the sweet comments from fellow bloggers, they really made my day! And to Hope Filled Living Magazine for featuring my blog, I'm so glad my honesty can be uplifting and that sharing my story can possibly make others feel they are not alone in their struggles.



All the wonderful comments I've received these past few days got me to thinking......... Life is not always easy, it definitly is what we make it, but there is such a comfort in knowing there is good hearted, loving, caring, compassionate people out there. We all come across the not so easy people, everyday we deal with people that are hard to handle, maybe they're inconsiderate, cold, rude, arrogant, or just plain mean, but I've realized that everyone has a story, everyone carries pain with them but we all channel it differrently. Like for instance the lady at the grocery store who seems extremely rude and put out that your in her line, well.. her dog may have just died or she may have just found out someone she loves has cancer... So, Never stop trying to see the good in people, you never know what your kindness can do... Just a smile can make someones day, or even their week. So I encourage you to be kind to everyone you meet, even if it isn't easy. It not only improves your life, but it can profoundly change someone elses! Never pass up an opportunity to do good and show love.

This is my all time favorite Mother Theresa saying that I try my best to live by:

(Art by Karen Blados)

I believe in simplicity. I believe in LOVE. I believe in Faith and Family, Friendship and Fidelity, forgiveness and fortitude. I believe in God. I believe in motherhood and make believe. I believe in fussing over and feasting on fabulous food. I believe in living out loud. I believe in laughing until your stumache hurts and loving until your heart bursts. I believe in behaving boldly, maybe bluntly at times and when warranted, badly. I believe in taking bubble baths and being barefoot. I believe in poetry, music, and playing in the park. I believe in scheduled working on weekdays and sleeping in on the weekends. I believe in an active lifestyle. I believe in honest expression and killing people with kindness. I believe in nature and long walks. I believe in goodness and gratitude and grace. I believe in affection, cuddeling and big hugs. I believe in reading, writing and learning. I believe in unity and the power of the universe. I believe in being authentically awesome. I believe in being better today then yesterday. I believe in challenges and change and growing pains. I believe in honoring the individual journeys and paths of people whether I understand them or not. I believe in letting people live their truth and trusting that it's right for them. I believe in lifting up and letting go.

Mostly, I just believe that I'm never going to stop learning what it is I believe.

Last night I went out with Matt (Noah's Dad) to dinner and a snow cross show, It was the longest I had ever been away from my little guy and half way through the night I started missing him badly but the time away was much needed, it was so nice to get out just Matt and I, gave us a chance to talk, laugh and have a good time together without the baby. The snowmobile race was pretty sweet. I enjoy doing so many different things, like going to plays, museums, shows, fairs, festivals, concerts, ect. I plan on doing a lot of these things with Noah and being active with him. I think that its very important to be involved with your kids and take them all sorts of different places, I'm super excited for that! I am taking him to Colorado with my family in June and I can't wait to hike the rocky mountain national park with him and dip him in the river and stroller him around downtown Estes Park, only 3 1/2 months and counting!!!!

Thanks to this awesome weather we've been having I have finally started working out, went on a nice long walk (yesterday and today) with Noah strapped to the front of me, Not only is it a better work out (noah is almost 16lbs) but its good to hold your baby rather then always putting them in something like a swing or a stroller....While on my walk I couldn't help but reflect on all the awesome people in my life, I felt a huge sense of gratitude for everything I've been blessed with, it's beautiful days like this when its supposed to be dreary cold and the ground full of snow that make me appreciate life and all the beauty we have surrounding us, the way the sun was beaming in the sky, just a slight breeze, about 46 degrees, it was perfect! If we never had bad days we wouldn't appreciate the good! :)

If you're ever having a bad day, week or just doown because life isn't going how you planned (it happens to us all)...Its super easy to turn it around by counting your blessings, literally thinking of all the wonderful things in your life like family and friends you love who love you too, looking into your child's eyes and having them smile at you, the roof over your head, the unique gifts/talents God has given you... whatever is good in your life focus on these things, find ways to seek happiness in each new sunrise, even admiring the beauty around you, nature, good hearted people, ect. There's a million reasons to be happy and thankful, it's often times the simple things in life that create so much Joy. Thats my life..simple, but its all mine and I love it, finding an awesome song with a good beat and sweet lyrics, going for a brisk walk with my baby on a gorgeous february day, laughing with my sister, visiting my niece, sharing my son's coo's and smiles with his dad, cooking a great healthy home made meal for others to enjoy...its these little simple joys that make my days awesome! LIFE IS GOOD!

Sorry for the lack of posts lately, for those who follow, I've been quite busy with the little guy. I really hope to be able to keep up with this blog more than once a week. My goal was to post daily but that has not been realistic this month. Anywhooo, Noah man is now almost 10 weeks old, he is cooing and smiling all day and starting to finally not have a bobble head anymore. I love this age much better then when he was a newborn, I mean every stage is precious but it wasn't easy running on a few hours of sleep a night, now he's on somewhat of a sleeping schedule which makes my life sooo much easier. I have stuck strictly to his feeding schedule where He eats every 3 hours and as a result he is finally sleeping in his crib at night!!!! yay!!! from usually 12 am to 9 am, and only waking up once to feed, I am so proud of myself for buckling down and getting him to sleep on his own.. Now not only do I sleep better, but he seems to as well! He really is a good baby, I can't complain at all, he is my little angel! Life is good, God is good for blessing me with everything I need to take good care of him!

I got a little bit sappy on my last post..ehhh sorry bout that..and ofcourse my quote for the moment!

Being a single mom is lonely sometimes, Noah definitly keeps me company but I wish I had someone to hold me on those days when I'm tired and down, isn't that everybodys wish...??? It's been such a long time since I've had that,I mean I'm ok, I'll always be ok because I'm strong but I have my weak days where I yearn for companionship, for another body next to me in my bed, someone to kiss me goodnight, someone to love me all my life..
I watch all of my friends and family members married and happy and it just starts to wear on me after a while, I'm not gonna lie, I want that.... and Its hard to keep holding on to hope that it will come...